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“Corbin, please brush your teeth. Corbin have you brushed your teeth? Corbin you have 5 minutes to get your teeth brushed and your shoes on or we are going to be late for school. Corbin James Duckworth, I’m not going to tell you again to brush your teeth!”

If you have kids, more than likely you have had a similar conversation around something you are trying to get them to do. And if you are like me, you may have heard yourself using the same words your parents used with you when you were young. Right? I’ve heard my Mother’s words coming out of my mouth on more than one occasion. It is not just the words I hear, but often times the same tone of voice she used. One day I realized there had to be a better way for me to get Corbin to do what I asked him to do and at the same time not make him feel like he was being harassed by me before 8 a.m. on a daily basis. With this being New York City, there are many top notch experts in just about any field, parenting included. I knew just who I wanted to turn to for help.

I have several friend who have mentioned Julie Ross, M.A. and the successes they have had using her parenting techniques. So doing what I do, I Googled Julie and began researching her books and methods. From the start, I knew I was on to something that could immediately make a difference in how I communicated with Corbin. See, Julie teaches real strategies not just some pie in the sky philosophy on how to communicate with your children. As with most things I have decided to pursue in New York City, I was put on a waiting list to get into her group classes. I am happy to report that I just wrapped up my 10 week course last Wednesday.

Before the classes started, I tracked down and read two of Julie’s books. The first one, Practical Parenting for the 21st Century The Manual You Wish Had Come With Your Child, teaches the nuts and bolts of her method. The second book, Now What Do I Do, tackles the elementary school years. Of all the things I have read and heard about parenting, these two books along with her classes have given me a fresh new look on communicating with Corbin.

Julie’s method of dealing with a “problem” starts with identifying who owns the problem. That seems easy enough but when you stop and think about it, are you rushing around in the mornings because you didn’t wake the kids up on time? Or are your kids lolly gagging over breakfast? The first one is your problem due to a lack of time management. The second one is your child’s problem. Then comes the words or lines as I’ve come to know them. Here they are:

When you _________
I feel _____________
because __________
I’d like you to ______

It sounds like this: “When you don’t listen to me when I tell you it is time to brush your teeth, I feel frustrated because you are causing everyone to be late. I’d like you to brush your teeth now.” So what do you do when they don’t respond? You give them an option by saying, “Either you brush your teeth now, or you won’t get to play with your Legos before you go to school.” It’s an either/or statement with the appropriate choices for you and your kid Those few simple yet direct words have made a world of difference in our apartment in the mornings. There are many other wonderful things Julie taught me, too. You can find all of them in her two books that I mentioned. She has great techniques on everything from building self esteem to talking about the birds and the bees at a very young age.

What I have really learned is a more respectful way to talk to Corbin. Julie teaches that parenting is a 70-30 situation. Seventy percent of the time you may get it right and 30 percent of the time you may get it wrong. Listen, Corbin and I still have our moments and we will continue to have them, but now I have the tools to help with everything from diffusing a melt down to fostering a healthy sense of self esteem by putting the choices in Corbin’s hands along with the consequences of his actions. Having access to Julie in New York City made learning and implementing the method even that much better. Now, if I could just get Mark to take the class, too!

You can read more about D.J.’s adventure in the Big Apple at djduckworthyoga.com/blog. Follow her on twitter at @mrsdjduckwort.